The Run Around with Rosie Are you one of those people who like to get up early and go for a run? Well, I’m not. Mostly because: “I CHOOSE NOT TO RUN” (thank you Jerry Seinfeld). Look, if I’m going to do any exercise at all, just give me the…

I Don’t Beg Your Pardon A long, long time ago (before Star Wars was a thing); in a galaxy far, far away (actually, it was right here on Earth)…George Wilson and James Porter decided to hold up the mail. AND I don’t mean: “hold-up-the-mail” as in “slow-it-down”…I mean “hold-up-the-mail” as…

Toy Essay One of my favorite playtime activities as an impressionable young boob was a game called “Flying Turds.” As you might imagine, this game was NOT sold in any store. For the most part, Flying Turds was the result of having too FEW friends and having even LESS vocabulary. …

Just the Facts Ma’am Preface/Defense/Excuse Have you ever wondered what it would look like if sergeant Joe Friday (of “Dragnet” fame) were asked to investigate the events surrounding a famous Old Testament narrative? Probably not. But if you have…no need to wonder any longer! The story you are about to…

Tales from the Short Bus [Editor’s Note: Don’t write me an angry letter about this piece until you’ve read it all the way through!] Frank’s Story Frank was having a relatively successful outing at this day’s track and field events. Frank never got tired of being around other people that…

******SZECHUAN SURPRISE***** [This piece has absolutely NO redeeming value. It is for entertainment purposes ONLY. Read at your own risk.] Ok, I feel it necessary to inform you that (per the title) I’m not a really big fan of surprises. Startled people may cause injury to themselves or others. Surprised…

I Love the Smell of Popcorn in the Morning¹ This preview has been rated PG: parental guidance suggested. Movie Trailer Voice-Over: A hideous slimy beast has just escaped the murky clutches of a birth sac belonging to an innocent bystander known as “Mom-Lady.” Frightened Townsperson: It’s alive! It’s alive!² Movie…

I Love the Smell of Popcorn in the Morning Forward The piece you are about to read (for whatever reason) contains references to a combination of 40 “famous” movie titles and “famous” movie lines. Some of them have been pulled exactly as is, while some have been tweaked slightly to…

Driving the Green Mile Don’t laugh…but I’ve always kind of fancied myself as an “authentic-old-fashioned-guy.” Look, I asked you not to laugh, okay? I suppose if somebody was going to be an “AUTHENTIC-old-fashioned-person” they would need to be born into an “AUTHENTIC-old-fashioned-decade.” If I had been given a choice of…