ELWOOD’S FABLE

June 20th 1980: The world is introduced to an iconic, pop culture movie sensation known as “THE BLUES BROTHERS.”

It was a good day. [affirmative nod]

This, almost epic, saga starred a probably-high John Belushi and a not-yet-fat Dan Aykroyd. These two played the fedora-topped, black-suit-sportin’, sunglass wearin’ title characters of “Joliet” Jake and Elwood Blues. I would like to submit one possible reason why The Blues Brothers was such an iconic pop culture movie sensation: Jake and Elwood were on a mission from God.

Sort of.

“Joliet” Jake has been locked up in prison for the last three years. The Blues Brothers opens as Jake is being released. To Jake’s consternation his brother, Elwood, arrives to pick him up in an old police cruiser. The first thing that Jake wants to know is: “What happened to the Blues-Mobile?”

Evidently, the “Blues-Mobile” was some sort of Cadillac that Elwood had traded away for a microphone…but that’s not important now.

Elwood tries to alleviate Jake’s disappointment about the dearly departed Blues-Mobile by telling Jake that he picked up the old cop car from a Mount Prospect City police auction. Apparently they were practically giving the thing away. Nevertheless, Elwood continues to try and soothe Jake’s soul by telling him “It’s got a cop motor, cop suspension, cop tires and it was made before catalytic converters so it runs great on leaded gasoline.”

Jake’s disappointment is NOT alleviated.

On top of that, while Jake was “away,” Elwood has been telling Jake that he (Elwood) had kept their beloved rhythm-and-blues band together as well.

Elwood has done no such thing.

Jake soon figures out the truth. Not only is his precious Blues-Mobile gone, but gone also is the rhythm-and-blues band! All a stunned Jake can do is ask:

“Why did you lie to me?!?!?”

I suppose, in a backwards way, Elwood had his heart in the right place. After all, Elwood was only trying to lift Jake’s spirits while he languished away in prison. The world would probably be willing to give Elwood some credit, even though Elwood was trying to do-the-right-thing by way of offering up a bit of false hope. One way or the other, Elwood defends himself (or “corrects” his brother Jake) by answering the question “Why-did-you-lie-to-me?” with this:

I wasn’t lying to you….I was just B — -S — — ing you.”

(sigh) Yup.

If nothing else, I suppose Elwood illustrates this: There are a lot of different types of lies to be told. There are fibs, distortions, fabrications, fish tales, whoppers, cock-and-bull stories, hogwash, tall tales and fables. Some people tell little white lies, some tell bald faced lies, some people will simply dish out a load of hooey. Still others will lie through their teeth. Presumably those teeth would be false teeth. [rim shot / eye roll]

In this regard, I know I’m as guilty as Elwood (or anyone else for that matter). More than once I’ve tried to smooth things over with a game of semantics:

“I wasn’t lying, I was just stringing you along, pulling the wool over your eyes, giving you the runaround. I was fudging or hoodwinking or beating around the bush. It was only a hoax, it was simply a trick, it was just a little joke.”

Sadly though, a lie is a lie is a lie…and a lie by any other name is still a lie.

The lies started pretty early too. I mean seriously, what could NOT have been true about a Right-Jolly-Old-Elf-With-A-Sack-Full-Of-Toys? I also couldn’t NOT believe that there was some cute young chick with a magic wand, a tight leotard and a bankroll who was putting money under my pillow for used teeth! Furthermore, how could the story of a giant rabbit hiding eggs in my house NOT be true????

Then that day came.

“Hey….wait a second?”

It was the day you discovered mom and Santa had the same handwriting. It was the day you were snooping around in your parents bedroom and you found a jar full of baby teeth right next to a box of prophylactics.

[Shudder]

Elementary schoolgirls couldn’t go out with me to see “Police Academy 2” because “they had to do their homework.” High School girls couldn’t go out with me to see “Police Academy 10” because their “Aunt Edna just died.” Years later my not-yet-ex couldn’t go out with me to see “Police Academy 64” because she “had a headache.”

I’ve heard ’em all: “I’ll be there in a minute,” “I believe in you,” “You’re beautiful don’t ever change” and “Why, yes! I AM a natural blonde!” I’ve heard: “It’s just a cold sore.” I’ve also heard: “OF COURSE THEY’RE REAL!” I’ve been told “size doesn’t matter.” I once heard an attractive biology major say she couldn’t go out because she had to “count her fruit flies”¹

I guess I had it coming. Paybacks are hell. “Truth” be told [cringe] I, myself, have told some doozies over the years too:

“I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” (No I won’t.)

“Thanks for dropping by.” (I’d rather you drop dead.)

“I like what you’ve done with your hair!” (Is there a new dog groomer in town?)

“Of course that dress doesn’t make you look fat.” (It’s the FAT that makes you look fat.)

“It’s the thought that counts.” (Apparently you can’t think…OR COUNT!)

“The check’s in the mail.” (Yeah…let’s go with that.)

I once told a girl: “It’s not you…it’s me”² ([loud whisper] it really WAS her!) I told another girl I couldn’t go out with her because “I needed to get some work done.” Just between you and I, it was HER that needed to “get some work done”…if you know what I mean.

I doubled UP with lies to keep from getting in too deep. I doubled DOWN with lies to cover up deep dark secrets. Eventually, I was upside down in a deep dark double life. I wanted to believe that the “good” side of me outweighed the dark side. I think I was trying to convince myself that half-a-truth was better than no-truth-at-all. I guess I knew deep down it didn’t work that way. A couple of half-truths are more than equal to ONE whole lie.

I was a complete fraud.

By now you probably know that my doubled up, deep dark double life of secrets brought me down. WAY down. Not too much unlike “Joliet” Jake, I found myself in prison. Sadly though, the R&D clerk at my prison was not Frank Oz. Nevertheless, I was able to learn a lot of real truths in a place where you hear a lot of real whoppers:

“I was a top secret C.I.A. operative.” (This story was usually punctuated with phrases like “foreign plot” and “government conspiracy.”)

“I was the president for a local chapter of M.E.N.S.A.” (It’s safe to assume this guy was NOT deposed for being too smart. [eye roll])

“I worked special ops for the Green Berets.” (No…no you didn’t.)

Another popular story you hear in prison (usually divulged with a stage whisper) is this one:

“I’ve got money buried in tracts of farmland all over the Midwest….because I was a bank robber”

Of note: The phrase “I was a bank robber” is usually a cover phrase that can typically be translated in one of two ways: “I was a snitch” or “I was a pervert”

Other standard-issue prison lies include: “I was a Navy Seal,” “I was a military sniper,” “I worked for the secret service” and the ever popular “I was a Mafia kingpin.”

For some reason you meet a lot of record producers in prison too. I’m not sure why that’s a thing, but for whatever reason..IT IS!

While these “record producers” were on the street they all owned a varying number of Maseraties, Ferraris, and/or Lamborghinis. They all owned a varying number of mansions in a varying number of states and they all managed a varying number of off-shore bank accounts. On top of that, every one of these quote/unquote “record producers” had a varying number of lady friends waiting for them when they got out of prison. I can only assume that these “lady friends” may or may not have had a varying number of venereal diseases as well. This was all pretty impressive stuff from a batch of people who seemingly couldn’t spell words like “record” or “producer.” [shoulder shrug] If they hadn’t told me they were record producers I would have pegged them as car wash attendants or overnight fry cooks at Thelma’s Chicken Shack. [affirmative nod]

I got the feeling that a number of these inmates (record producers and otherwise) actually believed what they were saying.³ In that regard they may not have been lying in the technical sense…but that’s something for the Freudian shrinks to deal with…oh yeah…we had a lot of Freudian shrinks in prison too…..good grief.

If you’ve ever been in prison (though hopefully you have NOT [eye roll]) this next statement will come as no surprise:

Prison staffers aren’t much different from the inmates. These unionized government sponges think and act like they’re saving the world one-inmate-at-a-time. They “work” in exotic prison locales such as hygiene issue, food service, and strip search. While “on duty” these “specialists” (as they like to call themselves) will spill out a bevy of their own blatantly false statements like, “I’m from the government and I’m here to correct you” or “I’m from the government and I know best” or “I’m from the government because I’m a person that gets things done.” [scoff]

I’m not sure if the prison staffers who utter such nonsense are trying to convince ME these things are true or if they’re trying to convince THEMSELVES these things are true?!?!?! [oy vey]

Either way, none of the ridiculous people who “work” in prison seem to be able to decipher between the lies that they tell and the jokes that they are!

Case in point:

Coming out of the prison cafeteria one afternoon I was “profiled” (randomly selected) as someone who may have been smuggling a contraband hamburger patty, or a contraband chicken leg, or a contraband waffle or some other type of edible contraband that was going to “disrupt the safety and security of this institution.” [eye roll] At any rate, this “alert” prison staffer (who looked like he was constipated) stops me for a pat down.

In an effort to defuse the situation I tell this “alert” prison staffer: “Be careful…I’ve got a pocket full of gravy.” (loud whisper: there was no gravy). Without saying anything this “alert” prison staffer pats me down. He doesn’t find anything (of course); then in a way that was either pointedly serious (or profoundly stupid) this “alert” prison staffer looks at me and asks, “Okay…where is it?” Somewhat confused I ask him, “Where’s what?” He replies, “The gravy!”

There was a lesson to be learned here. Was the distance between “joking around” and “outright lying” a narrow defined line or a wide fuzzy chasm? Without enough time to unpack that lesson at the moment I simply looked at this “alert” prison staffer, feigned a diminutive contriteness and said, “I lied. There is no gravy.”

[Negative head shake/eye roll]

What a Nimrod!

Later on, as I pondered any wisdom to be learned for the “Gravy Incident,” I came to the initial conclusion that lying should be left to the experts; like lawyers, weather forecasters and used car salesmen. [shoulder shrug]

At any rate, as I settled into prison I also had a chance to settle into the Bible. In doing so I learned another odd lesson about All-Things-UNtrue: The Bible has NO shortage of liars in the midst of its pages. Honestly, this was kind of a surprise to me. I always thought that the Bible, a holy book-of-truth if there ever was one, would be chock-full of more prissy humanitarians and goody-two-shoes than you could shake a stick at! Indeed, those people are in the Bible too, but still, there’s a whole paddy-wagon load of good-for-nothing scoundrels, ne’er-do-well reprobates and flat out liars in the Bible as well: I swear, some parts of the Bible are like a soap opera. Other parts of the Bible are like an episode of the Jerry Springer Show!

Abraham and Sara lied to Pharaoh,⁴ then they lied to King Abimelech,⁵ Isaac lied to the Philistines,⁶ Rachel lied to Jacob.⁷ Ananias and Sapphira lied to the Apostles.⁸ David lied to a guy named King Achish.⁹ There’s a Gibeonite deception.¹⁰ Potiphar’s wife lied about being raped by Joseph.¹¹ The entirety of Israel lied to God.¹² The Bible has false brothers,¹³ false prophets,¹⁴ false teachers,¹⁵ false signs,¹⁶ false visions,¹⁷ false witnesses,¹⁸ and let’s not forget about Aaron lying to Moses:

“I threw the people’s gold into a fire and out came this golden calf.”¹⁹

(sigh) Really Aaron?

There are a lot of different reasons why people are “economical with the truth:” They want to protect themselves. They want to protect others. They want to make themselves look LESS guilty. They want to make someone else look MORE innocent. They want to save some skin, save their neck, save some face or save their bacon. People will lie to make themselves look smart…or, if necessary, people will lie to make themselves look STUPID. People will buy time to sell a story, they will create a fiction to destroy a reality, they will lie to impress, escape duress or avoid a mess. People will bamboozle, bewilder and beguile to divert, avert and pervert. People will lie to play down screwing up. People will lie to cover up screwing around…still others will lie simply out of habit.

However, as my prison journey continued on AND I continued on reading through the Bible, I learned about a different group of characters from the Bible who lied for an ENTIRELY different reason.

For example:

Egypt’s Pharaoh had ordered the Hebrew midwives to kill all of the baby boys born to Hebrew ladies, However the midwives, fearing God more than Pharaoh, ducked the order. Please excuse my slight paraphrase, but when questioned by Pharaoh the midwives replied with this: “The Hebrew women [are like vending machines]. Their babies [squirt out too fast]. We can’t get there in time to [bump ’em off, do ’em in, rub ’em out or otherwise tag ’em and bag ’em]²⁰

The midwives lied like a cheap rug…..but God rewarded the midwives with families of their own.²¹

[?]

In another instance, Saul, the quasi tyrannical, seemingly bloodthirsty or perhaps just plain deranged King of Israel is trying to deep-six his heir apparent, David. David is supposed to be at King Saul’s New Moon Festival Banquet but David bails, fearing for his life. Again, please excuse my loose paraphrase, but when King Saul asks his son Jonathan “Hey…where’s David?” Jonathan answers with this: [ Uh..let’s see….David?…oh yeah! David! He uh…he uh…He went to Bethlehem for a family sacrifice..Yeah! That’s the ticket! Let’s go with that!]²²

Presumably Jonathan would have told no lies if King Saul had asked no questions but would God have wanted Jonathan to tell the truth?

[?]

Or how about this little gem:

The King of Jericho sent a few of his stool pigeons to the house of a gal who MAY have been commonly known as “The Dead Sea Madam,” “The Canaanite Call Girl” or “The Jericho Bimbo.” Most others simply knew her as “Rehab the Prostitute.”²³ [shoulder shrug] There was a rumor floating around that this “Lady-Of-The-Jordan-Valley-Evening” was harboring a couple of Hebrew spies; but this was the WORST kind of rumor! This was a TRUE rumor! When the King’s hooligan scalawags arrived and asked Rehab about the spies she said something to the effect of: “Uh…yeah…about that…they were here a while ago…you just missed them!” Rehab hinted that the spies probably [blew Dodge] before the city gates closed. Rehab concluded by saying: “I don’t know where they went…but if you hurry you can probably catch them”²⁴ Oddly enough, not too much of that answer was paraphrased. Nevertheless as the King’s miscreant thugs departed, Rehab may or may not have bid them farewell with a falsetto voice saying “Toodle-oo!” She probably didn’t ACTUALLY say that…but I’d like to think that she could have [affirming nod]

Rehab had stashed the spies on her roof. They were at her house all along.²⁵

Rehab had committed perjury, born false witness or otherwise unleashed a real corker! However, God clearly blessed Rehab AND HER FAMILY for a deception that delivered safe passage out of Jericho for the Hebrew spies²⁶

[?]

The Bible doesn’t expressly mention anywhere that God told the Hebrew midwives, Johnathan or Rehab to fabricate, deceive or mislead, but the fact that God showed favor to these characters (who frankly put on some hip waders and laid it on thick) poses an intriguing conundrum: Perhaps doing-the-right-thing may sometimes be a bit more complicated than simply telling the truth?

One thing has been made clear to me through all of these lessons. A dynamic relationship with Our-Father-Who-Art-In-Heaven isn’t always a piece of cake. It’s not always as easy-as-pie. It’s not always like taking candy from a baby. Proper discernment in dicey situations will be made easier through open lines of communication with the God who created us.²⁷ I also recommend taking his word (the Bible) to heart before you find yourself learning it in prison…like I did! [cringe]

Also, as a rule of thumb, I recommend keeping an arm’s length between you and anyone who will say things like: “The check’s in the mail,” “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you” and “I wasn’t’ lying to you..I was just B — -S — — ing you!” It’s been determined that these people are not reliable…ESPECIALLY if they’re insisting they’ve been “keeping the band together” OR if they’re telling you ANYTHING about the Easter Bunny! [scowl/fist shake]

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¹This fruit-fly-counting thing is actually a true story, though this young lady did not say it to me. I was in the room when she said it to some poor schlep on the other end of the phone. Ironically I think she REALLY DID go to count fruit flies that night.
²Plagiarizing Seinfeld on paper AND in real life!
³These inmates were Bat S**t crazy
⁴Gen 12: 10–20
⁵Gen Chap 20
⁶Gen 26: 1–11
⁷Gen 27: 1–40
⁸Acts 5:1–10
⁹I Sam Chap 27
¹⁰Josh Chap 9
¹¹Gen 39:14
¹²Josh 7:11
¹³II Cor 11:26
¹⁴Matt 7:15
¹⁵II Pet 2:1
¹⁶II Thes 2:9
¹⁷Eze 13:23
¹⁸Ex 20:16
¹⁹Ex 32:24
²⁰Ex 1:19
²¹Ex 1: 20–21
²²I Sam 20: 24–31
²³Josh 2:1
²⁴Josh 2: 4–5
²⁵Josh 2:6
²⁶Josh 6: 22–23
²⁷Phil 4:6