Everybody Feng Shui Tonight
[Deep sigh] Look. I need to level with you before we even get out of the starting gate. This piece you are about to suffer through has been inspired by the Biblical book of Numbers.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t Numbers one of those REALLY boring books from the Old Testament?” Yes. That’s true. Numbers IS one of those books from the Old Testament….but I would like to humbly offer up this observation: The book of Numbers is NOT boring. At least not entirely. There are several exciting scenes packed into the pages of Numbers. Numbers is the book which depicts the story of twelve spies scouting out the Land-Of-Milk-And-Honey. A particular pair of spies (Caleb and Joshua) did their best to put a positive spin on the mission but they were shouted down by the other ten Gloomy-Gus spies. Consequently, the spy mission didn’t end so well..BUT HEY! It was exciting while it lasted!¹
Numbers also includes the story of Balaam and his talking donkey. I mean seriously, what’s not exciting about a talking donkey?² Also (per its title) the book of Numbers contains two (count ’em TWO) censuses. If you ask me, nothing says “excitement” quite like one group of people counting another group of people. Am I right? Am I right? [weak smile]
Ok, forget that…because right now I have to level with you AGAIN! This ridiculous amalgamation of words was NOT inspired by ANY of those exciting scenes from the book of Numbers. Not the spy mission. Not the censuses (or “censi” if you prefer). This piece wasn’t even inspired by that talking donkey!
[Sigh] This piece was inspired by a rather dull scene from the opening pages of Numbers. This is a scene where God is working through Moses to organize, sort, or otherwise arrange his Israelites around a tabernacle into some semblance of order.
Yeah. I know. Boring.
I tried to think of ways to liven up this piece. Perhaps I could have opened up with a bit of snarky poetry:
Moses helped arrange his troops, around the tabernacle,
To have them ready for attack, like an angry jackal.
Or, maybe I could have piqued the audience’s interest with this little ditty:
Moses’ hands they were quite full, as he readied for some warring,
But this job he had to do, it was rather boring.
Sortin’ people (it’s no lie),
Is like watching wet paint dry,
But excitement would increase, when Moses’ people started whoring!³
Hmmmm…not bad, but the focus here isn’t about people whoring….even as “exciting” as that might be. In any event, I didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about this piece. Because of that, I decided to leave out those bits of snarky poetry. [Note to editor: Leave out opening bits of snarky poetry.] I may decide to include OTHER bits of snarky poetry moving forward, but only if everyone behaves themselves! [affirmative nod]
Perhaps the only excitement to be found in our opening sequence of Numbers is the idea that God is working through Moses to bring about some kind of spiritual harmony. That’s not easy in a world full of confusion-and-disorder. However, I’m not sure if “finding-spiritual-harmony-in-a-world-full-of-confusion-and-disorder” meets the technical definition of “excitement.” [shoulder shrug]
Ok, I’m not going to lie. I’m a little surprised you’re still reading this piece. However, since that seems to be the case, it’s worth emphasizing that old Moses had a LOT of confusion-and-disorder to deal with. He had to move a whole nation of Hebrews across that Desert! I imagine the confusion-and-disorder would have only been exacerbated by unsettled Jewish mothers and an untold number of sheep, goats and donkeys (which may or may not have been talking). Sadly though, this wasn’t the only confusion-and-disorder that Moses had to deal with. Moses also had to deal with the confusion-and-disorder of rebellion and apostasy. If you happen to have a beatbox lying around, now might be a good time to fire it up.
Rebellion and apostasy, the Hebrews had in lots,
While Moses tried to tame, his selfish band of snots.
Their confusion-and-disorder, could sadly make us laugh,
As they whined about their manna,⁴ and made that Golden Calf!⁵
God gave them Ten Commandments, ’twas a deal that was quite big,
But the Hebrews they ignored ’em, ’cause they did not give a fig!
See. I told you if everyone behaved themselves I might include some other bits of snarky poetry. [smiley face]
Now, everyone needs to just CALM DOWN because there is a greater lesson that I want everyone to learn: The more things change, the more things stay the same. ([Loud whisper] I stole that last line.)
I may not be an ancient Hebrew, but God still deals with confusion-and-disorder brought about by my own rebellion and apostasy. I will whine about the “manna” God has given me. Instead of worshipping a golden calf I will worship a goose that lays the golden egg. I can be a selfish snot. On top of that, most of the time, I too, do not give a fig.
To make matters worse, modern-day confusion-and-disorder can be manifested in all sorts of different modern-day places: rock concerts, wedding dress sales, feeding time at the zoo, hootenannies, cans of worms, New Year’s Eve in times square, Friday nights on Main Street, Saturday mornings at Chuck-E-Cheese’s.
In this light, I think it’s safe to say the world is almost 100% confused-and-disordered. In fact, I would like to offer up another observation: I believe that only a tiny fraction of the world has areas that could even be REMOTELY considered “arranged-and-ordered”: The bookshelves of an anal-retentive librarian, pens and pencils in a C.P.A.’s pocket protector, dad’s wall-of-tools, meemaw’s spice rack, ducks in a row, a game show host’s hair!
For better or worse (probably worse) this world…Actually, THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE, has a natural bent toward confusion-and-disorder. In fact, there is a quasi-scientific phenomenon at work here. It’s a phenomenon know as entropy. The entropy concept states that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is in a constant state of deterioration towards absolute chaos.
([Loud whisper] Fire up the beatbox again!)
Chickens runnin’ with cut-off heads, men and women switching genders,
Fire drills that are Chinese, and kittens ripped on catnip benders!
Beyond that, when I think about things-chaotic, I also think about this world’s mass-of-humanity. It’s a constant stream of seemingly random people which I encounter along my everyday path of life:
Used cars salesmen and carney freaks, pale morticians and con-man cheats,
Teachers, coaches and store clerks too, plus Jesus freaks out on the street.
Now, I completely understand that seemingly random people who just happen to be members of a seemingly confused-and-disordered mass-of-humanity may NOT necessarily be confused-and-disordered in-and-of themselves…although, FOR SURE some of them probably are! [woof]. Nevertheless, within this mass-of-humanity there will always be a splinter faction of people who have ONE AND ONLY job: Bringing additional confusion-and-disorder into life. [drooped shoulder exhale]
Hooligans and rioters, plus ding-dang rabble-rousers,
and those lousy propagandists, who will make you [crap] your trousers.
Their necks are what we need to wring,
’cause much chaos they do bring,
And they have the rough look of, a pack of mangy schnauzers!
Sometimes the world’s confusion-causing-mass-of-humanity comes in the form of rascals, shysters and charlatans. Sometimes it comes in the form of anarchists. Sometimes it comes in the form of a school yard bully. The school yard bully was that kid who threatened to rearrange your face if you didn’t rearrange lunch money from your pocket to his. [sigh] Things REALLY seemed to get confused-and-disordered when that school yard bully would grow up to become one of those Jesus freaks. Oy vey! Is nothing sacred?
This is kind of incidental, but I’ve always kind of wanted to see someone get their face rearranged. Perhaps this is just a morbid curiosity. Maybe it just speaks to the fact that I’ve always been a casual fan of Pablo Picasso.
Whether or not you happen to be an aficionado of abstract painting, I think I’m on safe ground saying that Pablo Picasso turned ‘rearranging things’ into an art form. Literally!
Perhaps, in a backwards kind of way, Picasso’s art just illustrates another attempt at looking for some sort of order in a world-deteriorating-into-chaos.
[?]
If art isn’t your thing when it comes to achieving order-through-rearrangement, maybe you’d be interested in the Dewey Decimal system or the scientific method or an order-of-operations or coalition or cataloging or classification or closet organizers or hat trees! Maybe you could have a sit-down with that guy at the dump who sorts recyclables.
If none of those approaches to achieving order-thorough-rearrangement tickles your fancy, perhaps you might be intrigued by the concept of rearranging things in the name of something a little more exotic.
[Cue up the beatbox again]
It’s an ancient Chinese art, that aims to wash your angst away,
Arranging things for harmony, to try and make your life OK,
Your mind it is supposed to blow,
As it directs the cosmic flow,
It is a custom from The East, that’s known by the name “Feng Shui.”
Ok, I’m not going to lie. I really kinda like that little limerick. If nobody else likes it I can just TURN THIS ESSAY AROUND RIGHT NOW! [fist shake]
[Deep breath] In the old days, [dramatic pause] I mean the REALLY old days, Feng Shui dealt with orienting spiritually significant structures like, palaces, shrines and perhaps the occasional pagoda. Nowadays, Feng Shui deals more with orienting things like credenzas, coffee tables and perhaps the occasional Barcalounger.
Times change. What are you gonna do?
Of course, there are a lot of different reasons why someone might want to rearrange their furniture. Maybe you just want the couch closer to the refrigerator. Maybe current traffic patterns are causing too much congestion in front of the T.V.. Maybe you’re tired of stubbing your toe on the breakfront. Maybe moss keeps growing on the north side of your Davenport. Maybe the matching end tables need to be separated because of irreconcilable differences. You might want to rearrange the furniture just to kill time, or for exercise or maybe you just want to play a rousing game of Musical Furniture. Maybe you want to rearrange the furniture because your blind friends have been pissing you off. Maybe it’s National Rearrange-The-Furniture Day. Maybe it’s high time you started playing mind games with the cat!
One way or another, if you’ve chosen to rearrange your furniture in the name of Feng Shui, it’s probably a safe bet that you are NOT rearranging your furniture to cover up a spaghetti stain, a coffee stain or a pet stain. [cringe]
If you have chosen to rearrange your furniture in the name of Feng Shui, you have chosen to do so in hopes of “redirecting the cosmic current” to “achieve spiritual harmony.”
Honestly, I’m not sure exactly how this process is supposed to work….but it seems as though I’m not alone…because nowadays it’s possible to hire a Feng Shui consultant. Yeah. Apparently that’s a thing. On top of that, be warned: Feng Shui consultants are NOT cheap…especially if they’re unionized. [puffed cheek exhale] You may find yourself having to rearrange the 401K just to hear some Far East Guru say: “your wife left you because the toaster was pointed in the wrong direction.”
I don’t want to be culturally insensitive (citation needed) but I’ve been thinking: Maybe it’s about time for us as a confused-and-disordered mass-of-humanity to start applying the Feng Shui Concept to areas of life that DON’T include Holy Temples and sleeper-sofas. How about some highway Feng Shui? We could reorient every road so it points towards Arby’s. How about some workplace Feng Shui? We could reorient Bob-From-Accounting so the secretarial pool doesn’t have to absorb his “cosmic flow.”
How about some church-life Feng Shui? We could aim for spiritual harmony by rearranging the Altar-of-Coffee and the Shrine-of-Donuts. We could also reorient that doe-eyed church secretary with the turtleneck sweaters and argyle knee-highs so she was sitting right next to me every Sunday morning!⁶ [two thumbs up]
But seriously folks, Feng Shui and closet organizers aside, this phenomenon-of-entropy is still constantly working against us. Always. That being said, if anything and everything is in a constant state of deterioration towards absolute chaos, I’m stating to wonder why anyone anywhere would try to rearrange anything….EVER!
That notwithstanding, I recently attempted to engage in some home-office Feng Shui. After harnessing a cosmic flow of wisdom from the pencil sharpener, I redirected my stapler into a spiritually-correct direction. I was hoping all of the loose papers on my desktop would reorient themselves into alphabetical order. It didn’t work out so well. After a few minutes I just gave up and filed everything under “M” for miscellaneous.
Uggh.
On top of using energy that I don’t really have, organizing and rearranging takes TIME that I don’t really have. Oh yeah! That reminds me: Time itself is something that humans have been trying to organize and rearrange since….well….since time began.
[Limerick Alert]
Caveman schedules started filling, I tell you it’s no crock,
They were busy juggling, logs and dirt and lots of rock.
But those cavemen did get heated,
’Cause they wound up quite defeated,
Their time could not be organized, ’cause they didn’t have a clock!
(sigh) This particular bit of snarky poetry was actually contributed by my editor.⁷ If you don’t like it …blame him!
At any rate, early attempts at managing the cosmic flow of time may have begun with sundials, stargazing and Stonehenge. Later attempts to “spiritually harmonize” time involved day planners, clock radios and the T.V. Guide. I suppose Stonehenge and the T.V. Guide were both somewhat efficient in their own rights….but they were FAR from perfect. The T.V. Guide was constantly being preempted by an unexpected Presidential address. Stonehenge was constantly being preempted by an unexpected plague.
I thought about inserting a cute bit of snarky poetry here. Something which might describe prehistoric confusion-and-disorder. Something along the lines of:
Those middle ages sucked, they were full of many toils,
Like chaos-and-disorder, caused by people rife with boils.
OR
Ancient times were tough, they surely were no prize,
’cause when the Black Death raged, people dropped like flies.
However, you’ll be happy to know I decided to leave out those bits of snarky poetry. I though them to be a tad insensitive. [affirmative nod]
Either way. That was then. This is now. Confusion-and-disorder still seem to rage. There seems to be no escape from the chaos of entropy. Even so, my soul yearns for peace. I still found myself looking for that elusive concept of order. In a last ditch act of desperation (perhaps subconsciously inspired by those Jesus freaks) I decided to crack open a copy of God’s word.
Perhaps that Holy Bible, a book I wished were shorter,
Would offer up some wisdom, for a peaceful life of order.
Indeed.
It does.
Rooms are organized.⁸ An ark is placed.⁹ Tables are set.¹⁰ Priestly duties are arranged.¹¹ Proper worship is arranged.¹² Utensils are arranged.¹³ Bread is arranged.¹⁴ Lamps and lampstands are arranged.¹⁵ People are grouped.¹⁶ Water is divided.¹⁷ Fish are sorted.¹⁸ Transgressions are numbered.¹⁹ …..
Plus wood for fires is laid out,²⁰ should you be taking notes,
to burn the innards and entrails, of many sacrificial goats!²¹
Then…after a while….I wondered into the aforementioned book of Numbers. [cue ominous music]
It’s worth mentioning that when Moses began rearranging Israel’s tribes around that tabernacle to achieve some sort of spiritual harmony, he didn’t turn to the scientific method or closet organizers. He didn’t turn to a game show host or that guy at the dump who sorts recyclables. It should also be noted that Moses decidedly DID NOT hire a Feng Shui consultant!
The chaos in Moses’ life forced him to turn towards God.
Several thousand years later the same thing would happen to me.
Granted, I didn’t have a bazillion Hebrews that needed to be arranged around a tabernacle or prodded across a desert. However, after spending some time in scripture it did become apparent that I had “furniture” in my life which was decidedly out of place.
There were good things in my “house:” The Treadmill-of-Exercise, the Bed-of-Rest, and the Upright-Vacuum-Cleaner-of-Work. But now, many of these things seemed to be pointed in the wrong direction. On top of that, there were other fixtures in my “house” that, all of a sudden, seemed to occupy a place which was MUCH too prominent: The Entertainment-Center-of-Play, the Sectional-Couch-of-Apathy, and the Rocking-Chair-of-Procrastination. My “house” also had a Desktop-Computer-of-Daily-Indulgence and a pile of boxes filled up with wasted days.
It was time for me to hire my own personal Feng Shui consultant.
Of sorts.
With that, Jesus came into my life and started to do some rearranging.
Wasting no time, Jesus brought in the Bookcase-of-Biblical-Understanding and the Armoire-of-Worship. Jesus set up the Credenza-of-Ongoing-Confession and the Coffee-Table-of-Christian-Fellowship. Jesus arranged the Lampstands of Love, Joy and Peace. He hung the Picture Frames of Patience, Kindness and Goodness. Jesus also brought in the file cabinets of Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.²²
Continuing on, Jesus pushed in one of those gigantic antique roll top desks. On its writing surface Jesus made sure to place the Fountain-Pen-of-Prayer and the Ink-Blotter-of-Forgiveness.
For what it’s worth, I discovered that Jesus is a lot cheaper than one of those unionized Feng Shui consultants. Actually, I’m not sure if “cheaper” is the right word to use here…but you know what I mean. Beyond that, I was kinda happy to learn it really didn’t matter which direction I decided to point my toaster. [shoulder shrug]
With that, Jesus was just about finished for the day…but….
(fire up the beatbox one last time)
There remained another task, for which Jesus had come in,
Because disorder in my house, had rubbish piled to my chin,
With absolutely zero strife,
He picked up garbage from my life,
Then Jesus carried out the door, many trash cans full of sin.
¹Numbers Chap 13
² Numbers 22:28
³ Judges 2:17
⁴Number 11:6
⁵ Exodus 32:22–24
⁶ I’m no longer married..so this is an OK thing to wish for!
⁷ I don’t actually have an editor. That’s why my pieces are all too long
⁸ 1 Kings 6:5–6
⁹ Exodus 40:21
¹⁰ Exodus 40:22
¹¹ 1 Chron Chap 24
¹² 1 Cor 14: 26–40
¹³ Exodus 40:4
¹⁴ Exodus 40:23
¹⁵ Exodus 40:4
¹⁶ Matt 14:13–21 / Mark 6:39
¹⁷ Exodus 15L8 / Josh 3:15–16
¹⁸ Matt 13:48
¹⁹ Isa 53:12 / Luke 22:37
²⁰ Lev 1L7
²¹ Lev Chap 16
²² Galatians 5:22–23
