God Had Other Plans (A Quasi Open Letter to The Possible Miss Maybe)

Dear Miss Maybe,

First of all, I need to start off this quasi open letter by explaining why I feel compelled to address you (target female reader) as: “Miss Maybe.” It’s mostly because, at this point in time, I have no idea what your name actually might be OR if you EVEN exist. Because of this quandary, I entertained the idea of addressing you (whoever “you” might be) by some other inspired titles such as “Lady Possible” or “Gal Feasible” or “The Conceivable Broad”…..but none of those titles felt quite right. I needed something that felt a bit less….tacky. Hence, I settled on the name “Miss Maybe.”

I suppose it might not matter what I call you because, again, at this point in time, I’m not entirely sure you actually exist. One way or the other, for better or worse (hopefully NOT worse) I DO seem to hear God telling me that you (Miss Maybe) are indeed out there somewhere. Of course, I also think I sometimes hear God telling me that Slim-Jim’s are a health food and that I should lay money on any Cleveland area professional sports team…..so…..(?)

If in fact I AM hearing God correctly, AND if you actually do exist, AND if you can read, AND if you have two X chromosomes, AND if you can effectively metabolize ambient atmospheric components into carbon dioxide….AND if you are into inane dry-wit blog posts written by a guy who enjoys using words like “hence,” “metabolize,” and “quandary”….then this quasi open letter is for you: Miss Maybe, the gal who could possibly become my future wife.

I know. It’s a long shot…but one can hope…..Oh yeah…I also enjoy using the word “quasi.”

(sigh)

All right, you may or may not know this already but my last marriage didn’t end so well. Totally my fault. Stay tuned. I will elaborate on that mess as this quasi open letter moves forward.

My first wife (Buffy) eventually realized she needed to leave the marriage we shared together. Since the moment I was notified (in NO uncertain terms) that Buffy had been upgraded to the illustrious position of “ex-wife,” I have felt compelled to pray for you: The Possible Miss Maybe.

Before I go any further, it’s important for me to note that Buffy was a great gal, we got along well and we had a great marriage. I’d like to say that we completed each others sentences, but at some point Buffy realized that there was NO way she was going to stick around for the completion of one particular sentence. [cue ominous music]

Buffy was part of my life for 19 years. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything….although Buffy probably would. (wide-eyed / puffed cheek exhale) Buffy’s divorce from me was the necessary result of an insanely destructive double life I was leading. My destructive double life eventually got me sentenced to 17 years in prison. As you can see, I effectively left Buffy with no other choice than to divorce me.

Again: Totally my fault.

A lot of men in my position have said things like: “Good riddance! I’m better off without her. I’m glad the old battle ax is gone. I didn’t need that fat bitch around anyway.”

This was decidedly NOT the case with me. As you’ve probably gathered by now, I DID NOT want Buffy to leave. For many years I held out hope for a second chance. I had always thought that reconciliation with Buffy would have been a wonderful testimony to God’s figurative and literal healing power. However, as the title of this piece notes: “God had other plans.” I learned the hard way that once you have deceived someone, in most cases it REALLY IS too much to ask that person to ever trust you again. Because of my deceptive double life I will be forever haunted by the damage I did to Buffy and the children I left behind. For what it’s worth, I will continue to be haunted by the damage I ALSO did to myself. (woof) After I was arrested, it became clear that Buffy did not want, nor need, me around any longer; for her or anyone else close to her.

Perhaps that was for the best.

All of this is to say: The people who I used to know as “my family” are now gone.

Nevertheless, even as I “rot away” in prison, I can’t help but feel that my life still has some small bit of redeemable value. That being the case, I will always maintain that Buffy made the wrong decision by leaving me. Either way, Buffy is not going to be around for what I like to call “The 2.0 Version” of myself. Having said that, I’m convinced that Buffy’s loss is going to be your gain…again, if indeed you (The Possible Miss Maybe) do actually exist.

I spent a good number of years wading through the muddled mess of a murky double life. Even so, looking back, It seems as though God was using that time to do SOME kind of positive work in my life. I learned a lot of foundational knowledge about patience, teamwork and sacrifice. I gathered some pieces of cornerstone wisdom about tempering anger, resentment and bitterness. Nearly two decades of marriage gave me a measure of confidence regarding my role in life as a man. Most importantly though, I learned (albeit a bit late) to truly value my better half. Arguably, those lessons were worthless in the face of my double life that forced Buffy to leave. However, once Buffy had blown Dodge and my double life was washed away, I was encouraged to find some of that foundational knowledge and several pieces of cornerstone wisdom had remained in place. [affirmative nod]

[Dramatic pause]

Then I began to learn “The Lessons-Of-Prison.” [cue MORE ominous music]

One of the first lessons prison forced me to learn was the value of time. This is important because now I have a deep regret for all of the time lost with Buffy to stupid squabbles, senseless scuffles and silly spats. I feel bad enough for wasting my own time and I feel worse for wasting Buffy’s time. Beyond that, I feel ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE for wasting God’s time. That time can never be recovered. Thankfully though, that time can be learned from. In that regard, I will do everything in my power to no longer allow time to be wasted…on ANY thing…for ANY reason.

I suppose I had always kind of believed that, whether or not anyone chooses to acknowledge it, every human being on earth is living a life that relies on God.¹ When I came to prison however, that belief was proven to be decidedly true! Prison forced me to realize a TOTAL reliance on God. In prison I was able to learn that God is NOT my copilot; God needs to be the captain of my life. In fact, not only am I NOT the pilot, I should consider myself blessed just to have a middle seat in third class steerage! With that backdrop, prison taught me to rely, accept and trust in God’s perfect timing. Sadly though, prison has also taught me (in NO uncertain terms) that, by the world’s standard, I am no longer an acceptable person.

Ok. I realize by now you may be wondering:

“What did this guy do to get sent to prison for 17 years and have that Buffy gal kick him to the curb?”

(sigh)

Fair question.

If you haven’t done so yet, you can probably go ask the internet about me. I’m sure the internet will do its best job to make me look like the worst person to ever walk the face of Planet Earth. Maybe I am. The internet will hold nothing back as it reveals my deep dark secrets (which aren’t really secret anymore). I committed the worst of the worst crime. I committed the crime for which there is no second chance. I committed the crime from which no one is allowed to be redeemed. My crime was worse than a war crime. Worse than treason. Worse than terrorism. Worse than animal cruelty. Worse than first degree murder. Worse than second degree manslaughter. Worse than third degree aggravated assault with intent to maim. Worse than ripping the tags off a mattress! I am guilty of the worst crime of all! I am guilty of committing the egregious, despicable, ultimate, unforgivable crime!

I am a [loud whisper] sex offender.

However, the internet is only going to give you part of my story…and laughably the internet probably isn’t even smart enough to give you the WORST part! I’m not going to go into all of the gory details right here right now, but know this: If and when we do indeed meet, you are going to hear every bit of my smarmy, smutty and otherwise sordid past existence. You are going to hear the not-so good, the full-on bad and the truly ugly…and you are going to hear if right from the horse’s mouth. For what it’s worth, I’m happy to report that my particular sex offense didn’t involve any actual horses. (sigh) If only it were that simple.

As I bare my soul to you in deep confession you will become painfully aware of the thorn in my side.² You will learn what I did, what I deal with and what my future limitations are. I will not hold back any part of my story. I will be spilling my guts not only because I need to, but also because you deserve to know what YOU might be choosing to deal with.

I carried secrets with me into my marriage with Buffy. I had intended to carry those secrets to the grave…but once again…God had other plans. Those secrets eventually ruined a family I held dear. I will NOT let that happen again. SO, for our purposes right here, right now, it’s sufficient to say this: Parts of my backstory are NOT pretty.

If you don’t walk away in total disgust, I will consider that a good sign.

Because of the deep regret I have seared into my heart, I would give my life to be able to go back and undo all of the wretched things I did in my past life….but I can’t. However, I CAN go forward living a life of contentment under the umbrella of Christ’s forgiveness….so I will.

Even though this quasi open letter is addressed to you (Miss Maybe: Possible Future Wife) I must admit that I am now a bit weary concerning the concept of marriage. For a while, I thought marriage would (to some degree at least) insulate me from devastating losses. That was NOT the case. In fact, being married just made those losses all that much worse! FOR EVERYONE!

In a effort to simplify matters I decided to just give everything to Buffy: investments, holdings, savings accounts, property…you name it. I lost everything from the antique accordion to the zucchini zester. Good grief. Even things which I may have been able to stake a legal claim to I willing let go. I imagine if a judge ever did get a chance to decide what I deserved to keep that judge probably would have told me something along these lines:

“You get to keep the stapler; everything else goes to Buffy…AND THAT INCLUDES THE STAPLES!”

So, for Buffy’s sake, for the sake of the kids and frankly just for goodness sake, I decided to beat a judge to that punch. I will go to my grave knowing I did the right thing.

Because of that, the only thing I have remaining to offer at this point in life are the leftover scraps from one particular investment. Fortuitously, it’s an investment to which no judge could ever successfully issue a forfeiture order. That’s probably because it’s an investment that doesn’t really have any cash value. I suppose if you want to get technical, it’s an investment that I really don’t even own!³ Having said that though, I would submit that this particular investment would be considered by some as: invaluable. This particular investment is an investment of hard earned time and energy that has been put into the soul of someone who has written a quasi open letter to a Possible Miss Maybe.

A good deal of this investment capital came from Buffy. Of course Buffy walked away before I “matured”…literally AND figuratively. Another part of the financing came from the kids I used to know. I’m not sure how much, if any, return my (now adult children) might want in the future. Another portion of funding came from friends and family from near and far. All of these “venture capitalists” (so to speak) bought into my soul without ever expecting to receive any sort of dividend check. Ultimately though, I’m really a product of God’s investment in me. If marriage is indeed in our future, you (Miss Maybe) would be in line to receive a payoff from all of those past speculations…and you can take that to the bank! [rim shot]

I believe the stuff I have gone through, the stuff I AM going through and the stuff I still have yet to go through are all God’s way of shaping me for the future. As an ex con/sex offender LEAVING prison, I may not seem like I qualify as marriage material. I will concede that point. However, I have been broken down and rebuilt. I have been restored and cleaned up. I have been renewed and forgiven. In that regard, I might be MORE qualified as marriage material than anyone could ever expect.

From time to time I think about what you (Miss Maybe) might be like. Again, assuming that you (Miss Maybe) actually DO exist, AND assuming God is really planning to bring us together, I look forward to learning what God has been doing in your life. I imagine that you probably didn’t envision life taking you to a figurative place where you would end up meeting someone like me (much less the ACTUAL me)…but [stuff] happens. Seeing as how that might be the case, it seems as though God may have had other plans for you as well. I look forward to hearing about the life changing events you have gone through. I think about how you and I would probably not be suitable mates for one another if it weren’t for everything that makes up our past.

This is a bit of an aside, but if and when we ever meet, make sure I tell you about “The Weird incident” that happened to me in 1997. I have never told another living soul about this “Weird Incident”…not even Mr. Mittens! (More about Mr. Mittens in a moment.) In any event, as far as any Weird Incidents happening in my life I can certainly say this: there are others!..but all of those other weird incidents in my life got shared with other people…up to and including Mr. Mittens. All of this is to say: I’m pretty sure this Weird Incident had to do with you and your family. YES! YOU and YOUR family…even from all those decades earlier. At any rate, this particular Weird Incident has made me think about your friends and family. I pray specifically that those friends and family would be willing to receive someone like me into their close-knit circles. If they don’t I can only assume we were never (as they say) “meant to be.”⁴

On a less serious note, I also look forward to meeting you and sharing some of my entertaining life experiences…like The Ping-Pong incident, The Gravy Incident, a whole slew of Mike Moss Incidents and, of course, the Flying Fritter Incident of ’86. I also look forward to sharing crazy prison stories with you: bizarre happenings, weirdo inmates, crackpot staff members and indecent prison proposals. Yes. Indecent prison proposals are a thing. [cringe] I also look forward to eating a meal with someone who isn’t a dude.

Since you’re still reading this, you may be interested to know I enjoy bicycling, campfires and baseball on the radio. I also enjoy Christian bios, doing public speaking and poignant movies. I enjoy short order cooking in the morning, tall fountain sodas in the afternoon and long drives through the country at night. I’m more of a cat-person than a dog-person. This is based on the premise that when Mr. Mittens looks at me he’s thinking to himself: “The only reason you’re still here is because I’m too small to eat you.” I respect that in a pet.

I also like the show “Night Court.”

Let me rephrase that. I RELLY like the show “Night Court.”

I mean: I REALLY, REALLY like the show “Night Court”…a lot.

I realize mentioning the show “Night Court” in a quasi open letter to The Possible Miss Maybe may seem a bit neurotic, however, for better or worse (probably worse) the show “Night Court” has had a profound effect on my life. I apologize for this in advance, but if God does indeed bring us together, you will probably grow weary of hearing the phrase: “This reminds me of an episode of ‘Night Court’.”

I’ll stop talking about “Night Court” now.

Beyond that, in a twist of irony, prison has freed me in a lot of different ways. Prison freed me from “my” money. Prison freed me from “my” belongings. Prison freed me from my dignity. Prison freed me from a marriage that I DID NOT want to be freed from. Prison also freed me from my freedom. I guess that’s what prison is supposed to do. Nevertheless, that particular brand of freedom has encouraged me to use my time in the most effective way possible. That being the case, I can truly say this: If it weren’t for prison, I don’t think I would have ever been able to discover any of the spiritual gifts that God gave me. [reflective pause]

Prison has also encouraged me to eat well and to stay fit. You’re not going to be the type of gal who appreciates overweight, out-of-shape, couch potato pant-loads.

Rest assured: I AM NOT A PANT-LOAD!

Honestly, I was a little rattled to learn that God chose to NOT restore my first marriage. However, as I was changed in prison I was NOT surprised to learn that God only brings good things into our lives⁵…even if those things don’t seem “good” to us at the time. So, these days, I have learned to appreciate anything and everything that God has for me.

I know this sounds a bit cliché, but I have a hunch that God has been preparing me for something spectacular. I also have a hunch that this “something spectacular” might involve you, The Possible Miss Maybe…at least, I hope it does.

If we do indeed meet, please keep in mind that I am NOT a White Knight on a Steed. I’ll be a White Guy on a Bicycle. Don’t look for me to sweep you off your feet; that’s not why God will have brought us together. I believe that God will have brought us together because our individual backstories will complement each other in a way that neither of us could have ever imagined. Those backstories will make us a unique team as we move forward together into a future of watching “Night Court” reruns….and maybe some other stuff too…who knows?

Oh yeah, there’s one more thing you need to know about me: I hate the metric system. No, seriously. You have no idea how much I hate the metric system.

Yet. [disgusted head shake]

¹Matt 5:45 / Pro 29:13
²2 Cor 12:7
³1 Cor 6:19
⁴The weird incident in 1997 involved a particular 3-word phrase that I have strategically buried within the text of this piece. I’m not sure why I did that…As a kid I probably spent too much time watching Indiana Jones movies. [shoulder shrug]