I DID! I DID SAW A TWEETY BIRD!

Have you ever had someone say to your face, “I love you…I just don’t LIKE you”? What kind of deal is that? Does “love” still count if you’ve found some sort of semantic loophole?

I don’t know.

Jesus tells His disciples (and by extension, us) that the world will know we are Christians by the way we treat each other.¹

That should be easy enough. As Christians we all love each other to begin with. No problem…right?

Uh oh.

Now, to make matters “worse,” something that should have been EASY to begin with becomes exponentially LESS EASY as Jesus also tells us to love our enemies.²

Now, the idea of “loving” someone without actually liking them is beginning to look like a pretty attractive cop-out. Semantic loopholes to the rescue! How about that?!

The trouble with “love” is that it’s more of an action. It involves effort and sacrifice: A wife loves her family, so she lays down her life for them. “Like” is more passive: I LIKE kumquats…so I eat them.

But what if this “enemy” that Jesus speaks of is someone that is very close to us?

What if our “enemy” is someone you might actually love?

What if the enemy is your own husband?

What if I am THAT husband?

Enter: marriage.

As someone who has lost track of an estranged wife and family, I probably seem like the last person on earth to be giving marriage advice. However, as I sit here in prison I feel compelled to let my life be a warning to others.

In full disclosure, I feel it necessary to share my brief philosophical take on exchanging vows. It goes something like this: marriage is the best thing in the whole world and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

I loved my wife in the sense that I would lay down my life for her. However, I loved myself enough to have no problem capitalizing on a “connubial phenomenon” I discovered early on in marriage: if I picked a fight with Buffy on any one afternoon, it was a pretty good bet I’d have the house to myself that night.

Believe me, if there was one thing I excelled at as a husband, it was this: being a good example of a bad example.

While Buffy and I were together we went through a lot of marriage counseling. We were counseled for various lengths of time. Various counselors offered various bits of wisdom. Even with this assortment of counselors employing an array of strategies and counseling philosophies…they were all in agreement about one thing: the source of our marital discord…was me.

One of the countless number of conflicts between Buffy and I occurred early on in our marriage. I recall this particular spat took place in our living room on my birthday. Exactly what this squabble was about…I can’t remember. It was probably something “important.”

How come the trash hasn’t been taken out? (because)

Who left the toilet seat up again? (that was probably me)

Why is the toothpaste tube being squeezed from the top? (is there any other way?)

How come we own so many plastic dishes? (alright, this one’s on Buffy)

I didn’t really mind eating off of a flatware set that screamed: “White trash”…but plastic dishes in the dishwasher ALWAYS COME OUT WET!

That just cut me to my core.

Nevertheless, our “squabble” over [fill in the blank] quickly escalated into a “quarrel.” From there it evolved into, what one might call, a “heated dialogue.” Once our “clash” morphed into an official “argument,” it was only a matter of time before it became a “bitter shouting match.” From there, any semblance of etiquette or restraint that either of us may have still been extending to one another up to that point…got cast to the breeze.

What had started out as a minor squabble turned into a competition to see who could stoke the fire of marital strife with more fuel: perhaps unresolved disputes from the past. Maybe some pet peeves that have recently been rubbed the wrong way. Also, a volatile domestic disturbance always seems like a good time for an “airing-of-grievances” concerning the in-laws [eye roll].

What our “debates” lacked in patience and tact…they made up for with energy and loudness.

Finally, after both of us (or maybe just me) had made some choice remarks about each others personal grooming habits and/or caloric intake, it was time to cap it off by saying something one of us (probably just me) might actually come to regret.

With that…Buffy stormed out of the house.

Indeed. What if I am the enemy?

After Buffy left, the house was quiet. Just me breathing heavy and a ticking grandfather clock. Except for our frightened cat hiding behind the credenza; I was all alone.

I had done it…although unwittingly. I was going to have the house to myself for the rest of the afternoon and, most likely, well into the evening. It was time to take full advantage of this development and, seeing as how it was my birthday, I was going to make tonight EXTRA SPECIAL.

First, it was going to be time for a bike ride; maybe swing by the hardware store, do some browsing, stop by the 7–11 for a Slim-Jim, come home, squeeze in some mowing, fix the screen door, maybe change the furnace filter. After that? Head to “Szechuan Palace” for some Chinese carryout; plop myself in the barkalounger then lean over and let one rip.

The only thing that could ruin this night was the obvious trouble that awaited me later on. If I could put it out of my mind for a while I’d be gold! But, inevitably the source of my angst was going to rear its ugly head. Sooner or later I was going to have to confront it: “Ghostbusters” or “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” But who knows…with any luck Buffy was REALLY ticked, thus affording me time to watch both! It was my birthday after all!

During the previous months Buffy had asked me in passing conversations if there was anything in particular I would like for my birthday. I casually mentioned a desire for a certain item that I had in mind. I didn’t think she’d remember. It wouldn’t have bothered me if she didn’t. I never saw birthdays as a big deal so I didn’t take them too seriously…but, for sure, Buffy did.

In the days leading up to my birthday, Buffy had taken the time to hit some stores. Buffy did so with a little nugget of wisdom she had carefully uncovered about a certain item I had nonchalantly mentioned in passing.

Of course, I didn’t know any of this…nor did I care, because at this particular moment I stood alone in the quiet of our house.

Several moments had passed since Buffy’s abrupt departure. Enough time for my heart to calm down. Also enough time for Mr. Mittens to decide it was safe to emerge from his bunker.

Just then, before I even had a chance to begin the execution of item #1 (take bike ride) on my hastily arranged agenda…Buffy walks back through the door.

Frankly, I was kind of dejected that Buffy had returned. I think she had been crying. Some invisible force had drawn her back in. It was clear that she didn’t want to be there any more than I wanted her to be there.

This was going to ruin everything…I just had no idea how bad the damage was going to be.

Buffy said to me, “I didn’t want to do this, but God told me to go back in and give you your birthday present.”

With that, she handed it to me and walked back out.

She had, of course, gotten me the exact present I had asked for. It was even better than I could have expected: heavy duty; well built. It was even made in the USA!

But there was just one more thing.

Buffy, in her shopping travels, had also stopped to pick up one other item. It was a small mylar balloon depicting an image of Tweety Bird wishing me a happy birthday.

I think it’s safe to say Buffy, in that moment, loved me without actually liking me very much.

The Bible tells us if our enemy is hungry, give them something to eat; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; by doing so you will heap burning coals on their head.³ I would submit that the modern translation for that Proverb is simply this: “kill ’em with kindness.”

I don’t know what Buffy did for the rest of that day.

I don’t know what I did for the rest of that night.

I DO know that (decades later) I am still haunted by the, not so subtle, message that was brought to me by Buffy through a mylar Tweety Bird balloon.

Her act of loving kindness left some figurative burn marks on my head that remain with me to this day.

¹John 13:35

²Matt 5:44

³Romans 13:20