You Sank My Battle-Sheep!
It’s come to my attention that the Christian community has a reputation for being a little less than “crazy fun.” In fact, if we’re being brutally honest with ourselves, it’s safe to say that “happening people” would insist that we are downright BORING!
Evidently, “potluck dinners,” “joint committee meetings” and debates about “turning the other cheek” aren’t things “happening people” consider “crazy fun.”
In light of that, I’d like to say, THESE “HAPPENING PEOPLE” DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT! If any of them “happen” to be listening in, I’m going to let them in on a little secret, [loud whisper] Christians do all sorts of crazy fun stuff! [end loud whisper]
For instance: We discuss the dispensation, we talk about the tribulation, we examine the end times, we ponder God’s providence, we explain exegesis, we expound on eschatology, we speculate about the Septuagint and we voice our viewpoints on the Vulgate.
I mean seriously! What could be more fun than that? Am I right?…Am I right?
[long silence]
I don’t know. Maybe those “happening people” are right. Maybe Christians are a little boring.
To their point, studying the Bible was never something I personally considered “crazy fun.” Honestly, Bible study can be decidedly UN-fun at times. A Bible study on predestination or baptism will usually end with people running in circles. A debate on whether or not a portion of scripture is figurative or literal will more often than not turn into a debate that is frazzling or laborious.
A group of Christians discussing dinosaurs is simply excruciating! If you’re not one of those people who enjoys discord, I suggest excusing yourself for a trip to the restroom if someone in your Bible study ever brings up the topic of “free will.” That “Bible study” is about to become a “Bible argument.”
That’s not fun…well, usually not.
[Note to editor: Please strike the phrase “well, usually not”]
The Old Testament delivers a lot of “death and forever.” That’s decidedly not fun. The New Testament brings better news, GOOD NEWS in fact…but it’s still not something I would consider to be “fun.”
So, yeah…the Bible is a pretty serious book. This means that a pretty serious study of this pretty serious book should bring about some pretty serious revelation. This was certainly the case for me. Recently, a pretty serious linguistic study of God’s word brought about a pretty serious linguistic revelation for me:
The word “FUN” is nowhere to be found in the Bible. Seriously!
The word “FUN” isn’t even found in those kiddie Bibles…you know? Those Bibles with images of rainbows and cartoon animals and drawings of people walking around in fig-leaf underwear? It seems like those copies of God’s word would have, at least, some mention of the word “FUN”…but nope! It’s not in those either.
It IS however, important to note that God does have a hankering to fill our lives with “joy” and “laughter.”¹
I would like to submit that it’s not TOO much of a stretch to find the concept of “FUN” lurking in between the lines of “joy” and “laughter.”
Incidentally, the word “hankering” doesn’t seem to be in the Bible either; but we can deal with that later.
At any rate, I would also like to submit that we as Christians might do well to spend a bit more time “entertaining” this “fun” aspect of our faith. I think this would not only benefit ourselves; but it would benefit those around us who may have not yet discovered this “joy” and “laughter” that our Lord has to offer.
But first! We need to put some “FUN” in our “Fundamentalism!” We need to put some “joy” in our “joint committee meetings!” We need to put some “pie-eating-contest” into our piety!
[wait for laughter]
Unfortunately, since I don’t hear any of you laughing at my wordplay, it might be a good idea for us to start off a little slowly.
Okay, don’t roll your eyes at this idea. I propose unveiling a Christian version of Monopoly. I realize there’s probably already a Christian variation of Monopoly on the market…BUT MINE WILL BE BETTER!
Besides, people LOVE variations of Monopoly! I don’t think anybody even plays the original “Atlantic City” version of Monopoly anymore. That’s probably because people have finally come to realize that Atlantic City is in New Jersey…but now I’m getting off track.
Regardless, my version of “Christian Monopoly” would have some sort of cool name. Perhaps “Gosp-opoly” or “Trini-topoly.” Maybe different denominations could be represented with different names like: “Method-opoly,” “Presbyo-topoly” or “Episco-popoly.”
I don’t know. This is still a work in progress. I’m kind of leaning on simply calling it: “Mono-theopoly.” “Mono-theopoly would have no dice. Players would have to cast lots. They would hope to land on properties like “St. Peter’s Place” and “Eden Gardens.” Players could buy and sell utilities like “The Wind Company” and “Sand Works.” They could become a tycoon by owning all four “Grail-Roads.” Instead of little plastic houses you would have little plastic caves. Instead of little plastic hotels you would have little plastic mansions (with many rooms).² “Chance” and “Community Chest” would be replaced with “Ordinance” and “Community Ark.”
[Strategy note: you want to avoid landing on “Sin Tax”]
In my version of Christian Monopoly, EVERYBODY would get ten dollars for winning a beauty contest! (eye roll/gag)
If you’re still with me, it’s important to note that in the very last line of the Gospels, John tells us that only a tiny fraction of the stuff Jesus did here on Earth was actually written down.³ Based on this premise, I would submit that other people mentioned in the Bible ALSO did a bunch of other stuff that was ALSO not written down! Continuing with this assumption, I would submit that the “law-of-averages” would cause some of this “other stuff” to fall into the category of “FUN.”
However, since none of this “other stuff” was actually written down, the hypothetical question becomes: What were Biblical era people doing for fun? Playing Mono-Theopoly? Probably not.
Let’s unpack the question a different way. My ex-wife Buffy and I considered “dinner-and-a-movie” as something “FUN.” What was the Biblical era equivalent to “dinner-and-a-movie?” Did Old Testament couples go out for “slaughtered goat” and “a beheading at the amphitheater?” [shoulder shrug]
Stand-up comedy is fun. Maybe stand-up comedy was popular back then? Maybe some “happenin” Biblical era celebrity couples like “Sam-Lilah” and “Dave-Sheba” were dropping by “The Improv” so they could catch a Shecky Mason routine.
Shecky: I tell you, I’m alright now, but last week I was in rough shape! I had the plague! [rim shot] Lucky for me though, it was just one of those “24-hour” plagues! [rim shot] Afterwards, I told my doctor I was beside myself. He sent me two bills! [rim shot] My doctor! He’s a real piece of work! I told my doctor he was a real pain in the butt. He told me to go get some ‘rhoid cream! [rim shot] After that, I told my doctor I keep having headaches. He told me to go get a vasectomy! [rim shot]
And then there’s my boss. He’s no bargain either! I told my boss I needed a little time off. He said, “Hey Shecky, you’re a ‘little off’ all the time!” [rim shot] Then I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, don’t look at me! That’s your wife’s job! [rim shot]
Ahhh…my wives, I love my wives. I really do. We have a lot of fun together…but they DO NOT know a thing about carriages! [adjust tie] I told one wife her spare tire was over inflated. She told me my tailpipe made too much noise! [rim shot]
And my other wife…I tell you what…she is one bad driver!
Audience: “How bad is she?”
When she took her charioteer’s license test, she hit a behemoth. It was in the zoo! [rim shot] And speaking of behemoths…my mother-in-law just had another birthday, and boy is she old!
Audience: “How old is she?”
When she was born, “ancient Babylon” was known as “current Babylon!” [rim shot] She’s old I tell ya!
Audience: “How old is she?”
When she was learning to swim…it was still called the “Live Sea!” [rim shot] That woman is old!
Audience: “How old is she?”
She’s so old she used to have “senior moments”…but she outgrew them! [rim shot]
Inevitably, Shecky’s routine would come to a merciful end with the Old Testament funnyman saying this: “take my wives…please!” That would be followed by one last sad rim shot.
It’s worth mentioning that comedians like Shecky Mason were more popular back when his type of humor was still considered “fun.”
(sigh)
[dramatic pause]
You know? As I ponder this concept more, I’m beginning to realize how much “FUN” there really is in the Bible. I mean seriously, the first two people we meet in the Bible are walking around naked!⁴ Naked people are always fun!
[Note to editor: Please strike the “naked-people-are-always-fun” line]
For better or worse, people that “walk-around-naked” usually end up doing “you-know-what.” “You-know-what” is fun. (Is it okay to say “you-know-what” is fun?)
Incidentally, “happenin’ people” (as well as some Christians) may be surprised to learn that there is a whole truckload of “you-know-what” in the Bible…and you DO NOT have to read between the lines to find it!
Biblical translators may try to disguise the presence of “you-know-what” by avoiding an overt use of the “s-word.” Translators may use subtle euphemisms like “have relations” or “beget.”
Trust me. We all know what kind of “relations” Jebediah be gettin’!
Bible translators will sometimes use the word “know” as a substitute for “you-know-what.” If you’re not up to speed on this yet, it’s sufficient to say, “knowing” in the Biblical sense means somebody’s going to need a room, a “do-not-disturb” sign and a suitcase full of oysters.
Other Bible translators may use terms like “slept with,” “laid down with,” or “went into”…yeah…”went into”…THAT’S REAL SUBTLE! (eye roll)
All of this is to say: There’s a lot of “you-know-what” going on in the Bible and because of that I’ve decided IT IS okay to say: “You-know-what is fun!”…At least for half the population.
Look, you can try to spice up a marriage by going to “Victoria’s Garden” to buy a pair of wormwood boxers (for him) and a fig-leaf nighty (for her); but in reality, there’s only so much fun you’re going to be able to have doing “you-know-what.”
I think Rodney Dangerfield said it best: “Marry a girl who can cook. The “you-know-what” will wear off, but you’ll always be hungry!” That’s pretty good advice because eating is fun too! And guess what? You also won’t need to read between any lines to discover that there’s a whole lot of eatin’ going on in the Bible as well.
Young people were eatin.’ Old people were eatin.’ The royals were eatin.’ The po’ people were eatin.’ The good guys, the bad guys, the shepherds, the stone cutters, the sorcerers, the orphans, the warriors, the widows and the unwashed…they were all eatin’!
In the Bible there was food in the morning, there was food at noontime, there was food when the sun went down!
And in that book there were some snacks! Here a snack, there a snack, everywhere a snack snack!
There were ceremonial meals and state dinners. There were brunches, picnics and luncheons. There were feasts and banquets. People in the Bible were eating all the way from “first fruits” to “The Last Supper”…AND EVERYWHERE IN BETWEEN!
Let’s do some quick math.
(Old Testament people eating) x (New Testament people eating) divided by (modern day church eating) = (Christians eating) : (eating) = (fun)
Ergo: (Christians) = (FUN)
See! Mathmatical proof that Christians are indeed “hep cats.”
Nevertheless, lots of Biblical era eating, stand-up comedy and “you-know-what” led to lots of Biblical era children. It seems reasonable to assume that Biblical era children must have ALSO been doing some stuff to have “fun.” However, the word “fun” may be a relative term. Biblical era “pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey” probably involved some sort of severed tail and an actual donkey. [shudder] Our modern version of “hide-and-seek” may have evolved from it’s Biblical era ancestor “hyde-and-shriek.” As the name suggests, that game probably involved a skinned animal and lots of screaming.
I assume Biblical era children also played the precursor to “rock-scissors-paper.” That game was called “rock-rock-papyrus.”
[Loud Whisper] Scissors hadn’t been invented yet…and oh yeah…papyrus ALWAYS wins! [end loud whisper]
I assume the kids of yester-millennium were playing games like “Solomon Says,” “Ardverk-in-the Middle,” “Duck-Duck-Goat,” “Tug-of-Snake,” “Ring-Around-the-Scropion” and “Musical Cactuses.”
Other Biblical era playground fun probably included games like “Capture the Sand,” “London Rock,” “Tiddley-Stones” and “Follow the Boulder” [shoulder shrug]
When the “kids-of-antiquity” got older they probably had “more advanced” FUN playing “more advanced” games like: “Base-Rock,” “Foot-Rock,” and “Basket-Rock.” “Dodge-Rock,” on the other hand, was decidedly LESS fun…especially if you lost.
Eventually, those fun-time, happy-go-lucky, dark-age children grew up…at least the one who survived Dodge-Rock grew up.
In time, the “fun-filled-Biblical-era-children-of-ancient-yore” gave way to the “modern-day-adult”…who may have inadvertently lost touch with the concept of fun.
Having said that, it may be time to reconcile with an old long lost friend. Someone you used to pal around with, someone who used to know you better than you know your own self, someone who (lo those many years ago) taught you everything you ever needed to know about having fun.
That “SOMEONE” is, of course, none other than your very own inner child.
Perhaps you can reconnect with THAT “old friend” over a classical table game from days gone by like: “Sandy-Land,” “Goats-and-Ladders,” “Hungry-Hungry-Camel” or everybody’s favorite game, fun for the whole family: “Battle-Sheep!”
I can’t think of a better way to be reminded of the joy and laughter once experienced when first receiving God’s message of GOOD NEWS.⁵
And hey! While you’re reconnecting with that inner child of yours, why not invite one of those “happenin’ people” into your home. They may actually have a hidden desire to sit down and enjoy a board game or two with you.
Maybe that person has “lost a turn” or “gone bankrupt.” Perhaps that person has “drawn a card” that says something to the effect of, “Go to hell! Go directly to hell! Do not pass rebirth! Do not collect 200 shekels!”
If that’s the case, game night will give you the perfect opportunity to share with that person the “get-out-of-hell-free” card.⁶
I challenge anyone to “play that game” and still insist that Christians are boring.
¹ Job 8:21/PS 126:1–2
² John 14:2
³ John 21:25
⁴GEN 2:25
⁵ 1 THES 1:6
⁶ John 3:16
